Prince Ali

So these days have been somewhere between ennui and passion and excitement and sorrow. So that covers the whole spectrum right? ;-]

So what's been up? I'll start by not talking about women. Maybe some little anecdotes

A weeks ago I was working on my NSF proposal for a research fellowship. For those of you not privy to the lingo, it's basically a fellowship that pays my way through grad school. One component of the application is needing to get three letters of recommendation. So for one of them I had to BS and write it for him. After he gets done reading it he takes one look at me and says.. "Ali I really need to get your autograph because according to this you are the greatest graduate student who has ever lived." We had a nice chuckle about this.

Then the other day someone tried to steal my longboard. Yeah that fucker. I was sitting next to it for three hours, he walks right next to me, grabs it and then starts bouncing up and down on it. I take one look at him and tell him to get the fuck off my board. He tells me some bullshit about how he was going to turn it into lost and found and whatnot. That was pretty retarded.

Kelsey frustrates the hell out of me. But I think that's because I let it become what it is right now. I took a chance on her, thinking this is what love is based off of. I'm starting to find that being manipulative and having options and communicating that you have options is a good strategy. I dont want this to be true. But it worked for Angelica. I honestly thought Kelsey was different, though. I thought she was just really awkward, innocent, naive whatever you want to call it. But she has a feeling-less sexual relationship with some dude that she would rather preserve than try something new with me. I'm not sure I played the right game here. I know she wants me too, but I think I overplayed LTR stuff before she was truly invested. The way I see this playing out is giving her the feeling she's lost me. Then maybe swoop in when the iron is hot.

I don't really know though. I only feel like I've been deceived, a little. She gave me the impression she wasn't seeing anyone else. So I reciprocated. In all this time I was fine not approaching other women, because I thought she needed time to figure me out. Now I see she was seeing her ex and all this bullshit. That's time I wasted. That's time I could have spent searching. Instead I'll never get that back because it truly was an illusion. It was me seeing reality through a huge mental mass. It was emotional investment on someone who didn't deserve it. My love is a gift. It should be cherished. The women I'm seeking out unfortunately don't see this. I need to approach again.