Prince Ali

So I'm playing the game these days. But sometimes my desire for something intimate gets in the way of my own integrity. It's so hard to find the balancing point. Where does appreciation turn into creepyness? It's tough.

So approach anxiety is virtually out of my vocabulary. Part of the belief that helped make this happen is turning the word want into do in my mental pathways. I want a woman? Well I go meet a woman.. simple as that. I want to eat? Well I'm making a sandwich. It's a weird frame of thought where anything that needs to be satiated in my life transforms into physical action. In acting we call this objective, but even objective may be too metaphysical. I have been focusing on the physical reality lately, expunging thoughts out of my head and devising strategies.. like the world is an actual game. It's just a really interesting view on things but it takes a toll on my to put my emotions aside.

The other part that is helping me through this is the idea of knowing that Arizona will not be where I spend the rest of my life. I might as well tear this town up while I'm here.

CJ talks about this mental exercise of imagining your perfect woman, disfiguring her, transforming her and then throwing her out and then starting over again. Braddock talks about the willingness to walk away. At what point is it because a woman impinges on my boundaries and at what point is it done just because you need to communicate that you're willing to do it?

Lynne called me today completely rolling on E. I refused to give her a ride home, whereas a few years ago, maybe even months I would've gladly offered her a ride. Part of it was vain in that I didn't want her puking in my car.

Ilyssa texted to hang out tonight. I told her it was okay even though I had a test. I should've really said no.

Angelica complained that her ex used her for sex recently. I told her to basically fuck off and be an adult. She didn't take it well but she saw that I wasn't willing to stake my integrity on our friendship. Now she is very much wanting to hang.

Things with Kasha are interesting. She agreed that if I went to Chicago things would get pretty wild. As it stands Kasha is the hottest girl that is somewhat into me. I don't know if I completely appreciate her personality though. One thing I did fuck up was turning her sexual energy into something a bit smutty. I really shouldnt have asked her for a nude even though my instict told me thats where the conversation was going. What I shouldve done was tell her that I recognized that her conversation was really having an effect on me. Then I should've let it sit for a week. Then I shouldve asked her if she wanted to see me.

Ariel recently texted again. We ran into each other (literally) last friday and there was some crazy physical tension between the both of us. I doubt I'll make actual plans to see her, I dont think we're there any more. If I see her again, I'll kiss her and then just guide her to come over. We'll see. Long text-backs needed for this one. I doubt she'll remain single for long.

Briana is a new girl I met at the library. I'm seeing the same signs as Natalie. I'm a bit too anxious with her and I think I need to be willing to ignore for weeks at a time. Part of me thinks I need to adhere to randomly long text-backs. I also need to give her a chance to ask me to hang out a few times.

I met an incredible girl today.. her name is Morgan. God she was absolutely beautiful, has a real hipster-ish vibe going for her and I think she was really flattered by my open. Not only that but I looked over her facebook the other day and man I must have touched a few subjects that she really liked such as her skin tone and whatnot. She is in a relationship though and it seems incredibly serious.. and long distance. Who knows, she took my number but I won't hold my breath.

So I'm left with the question.. do I screen women out of my life who seem to not add value.. or even who seem weirded out by the approach? Do I truck along hand and foot against the pavement? I'm not sure. Willingness to throw something away is a tough pill to swallow.

Until next time.