Prince Ali

I'm in Hayden right now trying to muster up the drive to actually get a few papers done. It's always disconcerting to see people on the computers here while on HULU, like especially right before finals. Something about it is so obnoxious as it screams, "Yeah me catching last week's episode of House is definitely more important than your final paper." Suck it motherfucker.

Anyway, I'm rereading a lot of these old posts and wow I've definitely come a long way since when they were first written. Understanding human psychology primitive and actually using those principles in practice is quite honestly two different things. The way I behave socially has come a long distance. The beliefs I hold down are extremely different. The way I look has changed tenfold. It's funny, we were driving up to the river on opening day and we were talking about what we looked like as far back as high school and freshman year college. Everyone in the car was like, "Yeah I haven't changed much at all since then" and I look at Matt and say the same thing. He looks at me and I look at him and he scoffs, in his head I know he's thinking, "yeah okay ebee." We share our little inside laugh.

So I've been with a number of girls since I last wrote in this thing. I think one of the more momentous ones was Desiree in New York, summer of 2008. Considering how much I did right, so many things went wrong. Desiree (her last name was as black as her first, no joke) was this girl who worked at a little organic restaurant called Sal Anthony's Planetesimals right by Union Square. She was super cute. I remember at this point, I was just being my normal self with her, not really teasing not really doing anything pick-up related. I just talked to her, about my life, about my goals and aspirations, just about anything on my mind. I had gone so deep in rapport not really expecting anything out of it that before I knew it, we were walking hand in hand around New York City making out at every crosswalk of every street. I counted and we must have spent a good 6 hours together just hanging out at her work and afterwards. I must have been the most fun she had been with in the past few weeks, maybe even months--she definitely was for me.

We were really separated by the fact that there was absolutely no way it would work. She's trying to hold down a job in New York and here I am finishing out my fourth year at ASU. It upsets me just how much my mom and my family find the idea of finding romance so randomly and so perfectly a completely foreign idea. I remember them thinking who is this girl and what would she want with my son. I'm actually really mad it didn't work, even to this day. I really felt like I could have fallen in love with this girl. She was the first one to really like me for me, not for anything that I would've pretended to have been or any of the worst sides of my identity that I sometimes bring out when I get nervous or when I feel that my current self is just not exciting or cool enough. She was as down to earth as down to earth comes... she epitomized everything about the "one who got away."

I tried to call her back in March. Her number changed. Typical. I really wanted to hear from her, find out if she's okay, find out what she's been up to. I may go through life never seeing her again, but knowing how random and absurd my life is I probably will.

Last semester there were a number of girls who entered my life. I guess there was first Teresa. I think the most awkward and least socially acceptable parts of me came out at the worst possible times and ways. She also fell for my roomate Devin. Typical. This was the first time I had realized that coming in as the second and not really doing a lot is enough to really generate lots of attraction from what is essentially nothing. Devin didn't and still doesn't really do a good job winging. Talking up my strengths is an extremely foreign concept to him. He mentions his ease in doing it for his brother and for Matt, but they are quite obviously physically endowed and to be honest, I don't think he really understands my lifestyle enough to talk to others about it. He's almost ashamed to talk about that which I suppose limits his belief that I should be with women in general. Building up a personality, or at least understanding mine so that he can talk about it is something he doesn't understand well. It's a very hard concept for him because for me to really come into my own, I keep getting held down as he continuously looks down on me and the way I live my life and the things I do. In any case, it comes down again to what Braddock calls situational value. You have to wait your time to be a social option to certain girls because from time to time there will be those football jocks who are the most exciting options for them. Devin's presence is that of a football jock now. His super good looks, combined with his super cool aura draws women, and unfortunately I have to wait my turn with them before I can build a personal connection. Or I can just get really buff, both options work I suppose. Back on the subject of Teresa though, I really get the sense that all she responds to is teasing. This is just from the interactions I've seen with Devin and those with my own.

I went after Casey for a bit too. She was a theater girl who opened me because of my RENT shirt. I started to become a little awkward with her too, and things just got to a point where she would not even talk to me. Things I did right though were really building an emotional connection through rapport when I took her out to coffee. She loved it, she related to me so well. I am sort of good at finding girls who share the common thread of having a loved one really lose themselves to drugs. But we did share that ethereal bond of wanting each other and maybe it was how little I had done rather than how much. I think things fell apart with her because she saw me with other girls and jealousy took over way too much. A good way I'm finding to break jealousy is to just stare at a girl enough times for her to just know that you are constantly thinking of her. This is definitely my working strategy with the hottest girls of my dance classes, or at least the girls I really give a shit about. Nobody wants to be another "picked up" girl from dance, the biggest fucking meat market at ASU.

Let's not forget the mormons. Heather, Kathleen, and Siara. Not only are they super weird from their super conservative upbringing and not to mention unhealthy beliefs about sex, there's a feeling in my head that I know things would never go anywhere with them. I went super direct on Heather, I recall, just telling her I wanted to take her out. A few classes later, she asked me out. Did not take much at all. Mormons are real wildcards but the ones I've met have all been virgins and are really quite dedicated to that. I think that is what inevitably makes them impossible for me at this time in my life.

Colleen has been amazing. We have connected on so many level, and its really obvious between us that we have a sexual connection that transcends anything else. She knows how to be a woman and she knows that I know how to treat her like one. Colleen was the one girl who taught me that it's okay to be really touchy and really sexual in dance class, so long as you take it away appropriately and masterfully. It's so funny just how well this push-pull dynamic with physical escalation works. I also respect the fact that she is really dedicated to her boyfriend and stops anything from happening between us when it gets to that point. Colleen is a girl I would keep in rotation but not date exclusively. She is just not my exact physical type and unfortunately that is a deal breaker for me... I really just appreciate her open sexuality and all of which she exudes.

Lynne is a funny story. Essentially a lesbian that I thought I didn't stand a chance with. Figure I'd just tease her. Met her up again one day at Hassy all by herself and funny story: I actually didn't see her face and just cold approached her thinking she was someone I didn't know. Ended up talking to her for like an hour and just being really fun and funny. Told her about the guy who's pants fell off during elections in the middle of a fight and did a lot of baiting and having her want to hear more of my story. I danced with her sexually, making sure to always take away from her. She texted me so many times, almost all of which I ignored. It was funny, so many times throughout the semester she saw me with really hot chicks, some of whom I had cold approached (and ended badly), some of whom were named Katie and really into meth. I think we connected on the fact that I had done drugs and that I was able to just talk about my experience. I see her again at Hassy one day and we compare facebooks. Finally, end of the semester she calls me up drunk and we hook up. Great way to end the semester, but I do it more for the story that came about from it. Hooking up with the billboarded lesbian who every girl wants to be with. Hard to believe and yet not. She only answered to the worst sides of me which was really disconcerting. It was hard to put that charade up just for her to really connect with me but it taught me that being myself is definitely more attractive to myself.

I think that covers last semester. I'll write another long post about the girls from this semester and what I've learned.

From reading these experiences I'm really coming to the conclusion that lots of rapport (thanks to Devin's constant reminder) and lots of qualification is the right way to win a girl's heart. I will definitely lighten up on the teasing and just awkward being-closed-off and being-in-a-bad-mood-for-no-reason tactic.